Are we, as average people, H-list celebrities?
A-list is Beyoncé. Top of the line, eternally at her prime, if she looked at me I might pee my pants. Then B-list celebrities are slightly outdated rappers like the Black Eyed Peas and Biggie Smalls - you will probably recognize them on the street because their legacies are shinier than the time that weighs on them. C-list celebrities are celebrities who interview other celebrities like the entire cast of ‘The View’. I tip my hat to people who tie up their fame with that of others; what an effective way to stay relevant. D-list celebrities are the midground characters of hit tv shows like ‘Stanley’ from “The Office”. E is ‘Jake’ from State Farm. F is any semi popular author; here’s lookin’ at you Stephanie Meyer. G is that guy from your high school who went to every party, was known densely across the tri-county area, and had at least one tattoo for a B-list celebrity. And so, from there the question arises… Are we H-list celebrities? Known among friends, but hidden from the general public? I think we are. I think we have reached H-list celebrity status. But I want to mount my argument for the assertion that I have recently gone up in the ranks from H to G or even F level celebrity status.
I recently went viral on TikTok. I know. Hold your applause, I’m no ‘Jake’ from State Farm but I am edging really close to someone who hangs out with someone who hangs out with Kylie Jenner. As many of you (or at least your children) know, TikTok is a popular app for teens and young adults where you can publish videos that are up to a minute long to share with your friends and the greater youth population. I am the noble inheritor of 15 minutes of fame on said app. Well, more like 13 seconds of fame. My 13 second video got 8.4 million views. That number is shocking to me. I have five friends and 30 acquaintances; who are the remaining 8.39999 million views? I can only sleep at night because I am certain my mother is responsible for at least a couple million. The video also got 1.6 million likes. And 56 thousand comments. My friends at Clemson, Georgia Tech and Wisconsin-Madison all sent me the TikTok saying “look it's you!” as if I hadn’t seen it. For a shining moment, I had achieved a fraction of the meaning of the word famous. But, here is the kicker. The 13 second viral video in question is the single stupidest thing I’ve ever made.
I am very fortunate to live with three of my five friends. Their names are Meg, Olivia and Emily, but for the sake of the story, Olivia is the only name for which you are responsible, dear reader. Roommate and friend Olivia is very fortunate to be dating her fourth friend, Daniel. They are a lovely pair. Daniel is intelligent and funny but he, like all of us, has an Achilles’ heel. He enjoys chewing on things, such as the caps of pens. At the time of the TikTok in question, Olivia was growing tired of Daniel chewing up her pens like a hound, and she decided to order a baby teether for Daniel to chew on instead. She ordered a pack of three off of the equalizing flea-market that is Amazon. She saved one to give to Daniel during their next visitation, kept one for herself, and bestowed the third upon me. And as one does upon receiving a circular plastic baby teether, I began to chew. And she began to chew. And it was funny. Because Olivia and I are fully grown women chewing on toys for toddlers. I am explaining what I found humorous in this situation because my mother did not understand what was funny here at all. The aforementioned two million views she has given my TikTok were not because she found the content of my video amusing but because she was dumbfounded that anyone would.
I am getting ahead of myself. With chew toy in mouth, and Olivia silently gnawing on hers, I informed her that I intended to take a video and post the silly moment on my TikTok. She consented but informed me that she was going to continue making a sandwich. I said that’s fine. So I took a 13 second video of me (smiling and chewing) and Olivia (chewing and paying-all-of-her-attention-to-her-egg-english-muffin). I posted the video, told roommates and friends one, two, and three goodnight, and went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m. all hell broke loose. That's dramatic, all hell didn’t break loose. On a scale of 1 to hell, we were at about a gymnastics class for 3-5 year olds where they each had Pixie sticks and Sprite for lunch. My phone was having an aneurysm. In the next hour, it shut down four times out of sheer exhaustion from all of the notifications TikTok was sending me; as if the sharp beaks of the tiny, virtual carrier pigeons were sticking themselves directly into the heart of my innocent and sleepy mobile. The majority of these notifications were because of ‘likes’ but the chaos was primarily ensuing in the comments section of the video.
Unsurprisingly, the top comment on the video with almost 100k likes was “we are evolving backwards.” The commenter was drawing on the humorous nature of two young adults enjoying a simple toddler pleasure of chewing on a teether. Fine comment. Very concise. I liked it. But the comments only got more specific from there.
My first hate comment, from the esteemed jaredbowls987, was this: “Damn girl, you got rabbit chompers.” A rose by any name would smell as sweet. The certifications of the tooth-critic remain unknown, but I have faith he will reveal these accolades with time. (Dear reader, I hope you are taking note of this comment because isn’t it true that high status celebrities receive hate? In my eyes, this is F-list behavior!)
The most interesting comment on my page was by far this one: “of course straight white girls can get away with this.” So many layers to unpack. 1. Roommate and friend Olivia is clearly black. The commenter was informed of this fact by helpful friends in the comment section. 2. Does the commenter possess x-ray sexuality goggles? 3. Get away with what? I felt like a notorious Bond villain succeeding in a heist, with my straight-whiteness as the crime’s lubricant. Not even the most talented police force could stop me, the felonious teether.
Most of the comments were sweet and primarily about the new desire of the commenters to buy a chew toy, but I was still shocked that 56 thousand people felt the need to say something on the subject. While commenting on the video revealed the nature of the viewer’s engagement (i.e. some thought the video stupid or silly or savory), ‘likes’ were the coy minxs of the whole equation. Why offer me such non-descript positive feedback as a ‘like’ on my video? For what do I owe the pleasure? My mind could not help but revel in the reasons. Maybe they wanted to buy teethers for themselves and liked the idea or maybe they wanted to become my friends number six, seven, and eight. I shuttered at the thought that potentially these likers had caught a whiff of my fame and would now like to associate themselves with a rising star in hopes some of my star dust might fall onto them. I shun these foolish fakes! Only Olivia and I shall leave H rank behind.
What say you, dear reader? Have you a comment to add? Or may I simply get your signature allowing me to transcend H-list celebrity status and join the ranks of the F-list. I believe I have made a fair case; at H-list status I had friends and acquaintances but as I’ve climbed the social stairwell I have fans and haters. I have likes and clout, it’s taking everything I have to not leave the mortal world of Charlottesville behind and move to the wicked city of L.A. where I would exclusively drink soy lattes and remind people of my stardom. I mean, could an H-list celebrity be called a “teething queen” or be offered a brand-deal to play the full grown Gerber baby in an upcoming short film? That sounds pretty F-list to me.
